Jan. 5th, an ordinary day.
Actually, not so ordinary. The last rest - 3 days long - before the end-term examination was waiting to start. Pulling my suitcase and carrying the bag with quilt inside, I went out, only to be told that my class adviser was waiting for my mother and I in the office.
I had been running away from the problem for a long time. As a matter of fact, I was bad enough in OI. There’s no need for excuses now. Since I had wasted so much time when learning OI in junior high school, why was I still learning it? I knew I loved it. I knew giving up meant that six years’ endeavour turned to nothing. But facing the cruel truth, I was not suitable. What I was doing was just wandering and wondering.
Though expected, I burst into tears. Unreasonable anguish broke me down. The world was enveloped in the grey of collapse and despair through my blurred eyes. The only thing resounding in my mind was, “My dream becomes visionary, my belief turns into sand and my effort turns into dust. “
I was broke into pieces, and in the fragments there stood new one.
So wake me up when it’s all over, when I’m wiser and I’m older.
All this time I was finding myself and I didn’t know I was lost.
( Avicii “Wake Me Up” )
Comments:
Again, it took me the whole night. And again, it’s anotehr one full of negative feelings. This time I was truly on the low. Tomorrow here will come the exam. Wasting more than half the term, I’m troubled. It is foreseeable that I’ll perform poorly and spend a period of hard time learning history, politics and geometry, or possibly, all the nine subjects. I don’t know where my future is. By the way, if you have read all above, thanks for seeing me “wide open and breaking down”. PLEASE don’t ignore me. I don’t need much, only MERCY - yeah, poor enough for mercy. (2020.01.12 21:50)
The math exam has just finished and I’m convinced that I’ve never performed like this before. Being overwhelmed by helplessness and loss, I was going desensitized. Anomalous smile is fixed on my face, with sorrow somewhere inside. (2020.1.14 10:45)